tete dans le cup

sorry i missed the birthday party.

frankly speaking it was getting late

and i am prone to being overwhelmed,

preemptively, i should say. i bought some

popcorn for us to share, it's not sweet but salty.

i realize where that haircut is from.

it's from the newspaper i just read.

you must deign to see my pun.

i should probably get my head out of my ass, right?

maybe now i will have something in common

with someone, even if it is tesla or the witchita linesman.

i'm pretty sure the perfect state is having

no more questions, but where's the fun in that?

i saw your drawing and i tried to be funny.

you said she's not smelly, she's dreaming.

serial

Day 1

Amirah had felt okay when she woke up in the morning but now she was beginning to feel a little sad. She was starving and there was no more food in the apartment or money or anything. Her girlfriend Sarah was out of town for the week. Last night night she had left with her brother for a road trip to Phoenix. Amirah had the whole week to herself, which she found both frightening and a relief.

She was laying on the couch watching the ceiling fan spin on the slowest setting, her favorite setting. The faster settings caused the fan to spin so fast it seemed like it was going to snap and fly off and spin around the room cutting off everyone's head. It made her nervous.

Early that day she had talked to Sarah on the phone. She complained about her brother, his choice of music, his driving habits, his constant smoking. Amirah tried to imagine them, Sarah (who was tiny and fragile, a friend once described her as 'fetal') and her brother Jamie sitting in her car eating hamburgers or maybe them just sitting there in silence driving listening to house music (Jamie's choice) she could imagine them sitting but never what they were saying. Sarah rarely talked about her family and this trip had taken Amirah by surprise. She suspected that Sarah wanted some sort of break, and this outing with Jamie was no doubt the cheapest and easiest.

Amirah's phone started buzzing and she saw that it was Phil, her manager at Allegory, the terrible restaurant she waitressed at.

"Hey Amirah? It's me, Phil."

"I know Phil. My cellphone says your name on it when you call me."

"Oh well uhm hey I was wondering if you could come in tomorrow night. Peter called off uh he said he's sick and you know how Thursday's buffet is.

"Yeah, the Thursday buffet."

"Well can you?"

"Look Phil, can I get back to you in like, an hour two hours or something? I'm not really sure."

"Yeah thats fine but just let me know as soon as you can I mean we're already pretty understaffed as it is and for some reason I have a feeling that tomorrow will be really busy, I just got this like inkling you know?"

"Yes I know inklings."

"Well call me okay sweetheart? We'd really love it if you could come in?"

"I'll call you Phil."

She didn't dislike Phil but everytime she talked to him she couldn't shake the idea that she would never have met him or had to deal with him if she wasn't forced to because of her job where she had to work because she was forced to by "society". Sarah hated it when she talked like this, she always said it was stupid to think like that to be that pessimistic about life was just being self-centered and selfish. Amirah agreed but she still had a hard time.

a nice moment at the park

Lately as the weather has warmed I've been walking to the park by the beach and sitting on a bench watching families picnic and people walk their dogs. It's never as warm as I think it will be so I can never stay as long as I want. As soon as the sun is blocked by the apartments and trees I feel the chill in the wind a little more. But what can you do, you don't want to overdress.

The other day I saw two guys sparring with the masks and gloves and everything. They stopped pretty soon after I sat down though. Most of the afternoon I was watching this dad play with/coach his two sons. They were playing baseball. I liked watching them, the dad was an almost perfect dad. He was strict and encouraging in all the right ways. I kind of knew (know?) that those two boys would become wonderful beautiful young men. I was eating a bag of 79cents Salt + Vinegar Kettle Cooked Potato Chips from 7/11. A squirrel, probably hearing the rustle of the plastic bag jumped onto the bench, very close to me, as close as a wary cat would get. I shooed him away but I immediately wished I'd given him some chips. An old lady clasping newspapers to her chest was walking down the path. She was talking to herself, muttering about someone named Jacobson, the variety of cereals, dentists. She stopped directly to the right of me where I couldn't see her and I knew she was looking at me. For a minute I was afraid she'd come up to me and I'd have to humor her, I hate humoring people. She didn't though and went on walking down the path. I rolled a cigarette and smoked it. I didn't enjoy it as much as I'd thought. That's been happening a lot lately. I was kinda trying to write a short story. It was about this guy, Simon, who was sitting at a park bench, probably the same one I was sitting in. He meets his friend Amirah, who is an obese black lesbian, and he helps her look for her keys. I wasn't sure if Amirah was black, but she definitely was obese and lesbian. The only part I really had in my head was the ending. Simon sees something shiny in the grass, but I wasn't sure if it was the keys.

a nice moment after work

I met two Southerners a while back. Well one was from Colorado but they both lived in North Carolina, where the wife was born. They were doctors and they were trying to get to Fullerton. I was sitting on a bench on the el platform and they were sitting next to me. They recognized me from Sears Tower, where we all just were. I asked them about the differences between the city and the country. The wife told me the city was busy, very busy. She told me that where they lived one could go running nekkid in their backyard, there was no one else for miles around. I said that's crazy, I've never known anything like that, I can't imagine I said as I imagined it. I pictured a wide field of undulating grasses, a full moon but the sky intense with stars. I was naked and the breeze swaddled me as clothes would, but it felt like I was wearing what humanity wears, or at least it seemed like it. The train came and they thanked me and I thanked them too. I said don't let the city, well whatever, have fun and they said don't worry we'll be back. We shook hands and they got on the train. When the train left I went back to reading my book.

i am drunk

god when we were younger we spat on our hands 

and on the moment that we were to press them together

i got grossed out and wiped my palm on the grass

later we skipped the hand part and exchanged hungrily

late at night you realize you 

are just that locus where stupidity memory

and lust orbit haphazardly

nothing more than a gravity or a 

sticky spot where you somehow got caught

its so good to have tears and spit semen and blood

so good to remember that this is me and this is you

so good to have fluids fill where breath only sustains

how to be positive

oh god it's impossible

appetite

"Appetite, with an opinion of attaining, is called hope; the same, without such opinion, despair." - Hobbes

on the day of the picnic we were panicked.

ominous clouds, check.

sudden shortage of clean underwear, check.

absence of suitable blankets, check.

a positive and two negatives.

i'm not sure what it means.

feeling stupid, holding the evian bottle full of orange pop & vodka.

you in your underwear, black and lacy, victorian but sexy.

at that point i was tempted

to reinflate the air mattress and sleep,

but i thought about the creek we saw,

and how the leaves made you say

it was like the first time seeing green,

and us on our knees,

scooping water to our thirsty mouths,

not worrying about anything.